Sunday, June 16, 2013

Wonderful things you can buy, including saltwater

Now I'm going to talk about my favorite makeup, hair crap, and clothes right now. Just in time for Father's Day!

First, CC cream. Look, I have no idea what it is, and how it differs from BB cream. All I know is that it makes your face look like a sculptor chiseled it out of sparkly clay. If that doesn't sound appealing to you, I can't help you.

I've been using the Clinique CC cream and I have only good things to say about it, except that I think they need to work on their color range a bit. I own both light and light-medium. Light is for Dita Von Teese and light-medium is for Jada Pinkett Smith. I blend.

I'm also in the midst of a hot and heavy love affair with this NARS stick. It's marketed to be all things to all people--eye shadow, blush, lip goop, body shimmer, food processor, etc. But for me, it's only a blush and it makes me feel like a dewy woodland fairy creature discovered by Pocahontas on one of her musical traipses around the forest.

All of them have glitter, which at first I did not appreciate, til a guy at the club asked me if I was out of high school. Now I appreciate.

I like the Portofino color which is goldy bronzy rose--very Aztec Goddess of the J-Lo variety.

Because glittery blush isn't quite enough sparkle for my face, I also use highlighter. My favorite is this under-eye brightener from Smashbox, which I only use on my nose. One time I read that Kim Kardashian's best makeup tip was to use highlighter on the bridge of her nose. And I guess that's all I needed.

Do you ever think about which Kardashian is your spirit animal?

Well I pretty much think about it non-stop, and I've come to the conclusion that mine is Kim.

It's very unfortunate for me because every refined lady wants to be Kourtney. Kourtney is small and feminine and lovely like a petit fours, and she has a tiny little doll face and she's adorably in a "cooking club" where they buy guacamole and eat it with chips. But I am no Kourtney.

I am no Khloe either, who is the kind of cool but glamorous girl who knows the rules of football and writes "I'm just as comfortable in stilettos as I am sweats!" on her OK Cupid profile.

Kim is whiny and likes furry high heels, so I think we are probably most similar. She never really understands what's going on and she cries when she doesn't know how she feels. So there you have it.

Here is where Kim and I differ: I like giant messy wavy curly crazy hair, and she prefers hers sleek, mature, and under control. Weird. Anyway, I was watching The Tonys last week, and found my hair inspiration in the titular character from Matilda:

Seriously perfection. I'm not sure I want to use the amount of hairspray that this disheveled child look would require of me, because of the fire hazard. But, lucky for me, there is something on the market called "surf spray" which is basically expensive saltwater that you spray on your head.

It's great for those of us who want to pay money to look like we just rolled out of bed, but I must warn you that the texture is a little off. If some nice-looking gentleman goes in to touch your hair while you have Surf Spray in it, he's going to make that face that babies make when they eat lemons for the first time.

It's your choice if you want to risk that. As Cher said in the film Burlesque co-starring Christina Aguilera, "I can't tell you what to do. Noooobody can tell you what to do. You got to take the stage and make it your own!"

Speaking of which, I've found the perfect shade of coral lip schmutz (which, as you remember, made its feature film debut in that cinematic masterpiece). I've been wearing Clinique Chubby Stick in Heftiest Hibiscus and I look just like your grandma in Key West.

It goes really well with my outfit theme for the summer, pre-Buenos-Aires Eva Peron:

I've been really into these flowy, gaudy halter dresses lately. Miami housewives really know what's up.

Anthro is killing it with the stylish muumuus that can also double as your announcement to the world that you're not interested in dating anyone this summer.

There are prettier ones too, which you can dress up with heels and jewels for your posh rooftop pool parties (you) or with Sarah McLachlan clogs for sweating around the grocery store (me).

Get me one of these dresses, a pair of house slippers, a towel turban, cigarette holder, giant sunglasses, mojito, and a pool boy. That's all I need! I'll be set through September.

For the gentlemen, I'm having a real Supreme moment this summer. Their print work is just gorgeous. This bomber makes me smile so hard my face hurts. Which is more than I can say for this poor model.

I can't even process what is going on here. Is it JFK print in a matador pattern, on a 90s bowling shirt? Yes? If yes, I'm going to need to be revived and resuscitated.

The other day I met a guy who, after introducing himself, told me, "I've been wearing Supreme since 2nd grade."

I have SO MANY QUESTIONS about that statement.

For ladies and gentlemen, I highly recommend the Angel scent by Thierry Mugler, whose name no one on planet earth has ever successfully remembered. It has no floral notes in it--basically just bergamot and chocolate and caramel and berries, so it's very no-nonsense and straight to the point and the point is CLASS ACT.

For women, it comes in this amazing crystal star bottle which will make you feel like Mariah Carey in her #Beautiful video, so, yeah, totally set for life. My mother recently bestowed upon me a travel size which also comes in a star except it's very tiny, so you can intrigue every security officer at the airport who will be left to wonder what kind of fascinating VIP you are that you travel with a mini-star full of bergamot/chocolate seduction potion.

That's your materialism report for this weekend!

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