Leap Day Blues

Another seriously disappointing day in the Mari Household.

The weather matched my brain and my face.

My friend posted this picture to The Facebook. It really didn't help. I guess I'll choose to be personally offended.

Despite a couple breakdowns, here are some things that made me feel better today:

1. The Sound of Music: Even though I watched this movie non-stop when I was an itty-bitty, a lot of its wisdom was lost on me until now. Additionally, I used to always fast-forward through Mother Superior's solo, and now I patiently sit through it like a mature adult.

Maria is such a fantastic character, I wish there were a bunch more like her. She belongs in the tribe of Jo March and Anne of Green Gables, girls who never quite fit in anywhere in particular, who want so badly to be something that they aren't cut out for. I have always related so much to Maria's out-of-placeness. And also the fact that she loved meal time.

What struck me today about Maria is that she had to gather up a ton of courage just to do something totally normal. She wasn't going on a major voyage, she wasn't about to slay any dragons, she wasn't doing an objectively scary thing.

She was just going to be a nanny because she sang out loud too much at the convent.

Her greatest enemy was self-doubt and her greatest fear was rejection. I love how absolutely true-to-life that story is. Maria wasn't terrified of escaping the Nazis. Maria was terrified of leaving her career track to go be a babysitter.

I totally get that.

Being without direction is something that demands a great deal of courage from me, courage that I realized today I have yet to muster. Moving to a different country? No problem. Living in the suburbs without a job? I am hardly brave enough to admit it.

I don't even know what job I want; all I want is the courage to feel confident and worthy even in this transitional chapter of my life.

Straight-up insiprational lyrics:

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
and while I show them
I'llllllllll shoooooooooooow meeeeeeeeeeeee!

(In the version I will sing to myself from this day forth, "them" is prospective employers.)

One of my favorite scenes from any movie. This whole dance is exquisite.

2. Taylor Swift

3. 60s hair: I have finally reached my hair-growth goal, and it feels like an inordinately grand achievement. It took many months and a lot of will power to get to this point and I shall march forth in resisting a haircut! Also I can't afford one!

The last time my hair was long was in middle school. It was thick and it was wavy, and I totally expected it would grow out that way this time. I basically expected that in a few months I would look like Farrah Fawcett, no problem.

Instead, it's straight and thin.

So I've been bumming out about that, but lo! Today I discovered on The Pinterest a whole group of women who rocked the hell out of thin straight hair in the 60s. Behold!

(Also I clearly look exactly like them.)

It's one of those realizations that seems insignificant, and is, but sheds light on other more significant parts of my life. I put in a lot of effort to grow out my hair. I thought my it would look a certain way. It doesn't. I could curl it and put a bunch of goop in it every day to and fail miserably at looking like Selena Gomez, or I could just work with it and tell everyone that I'm going for a Francoise Hardy look. 

(If it's French, nobody questions it.) 

I think this is how a person begins to grow up, and becomes more confident. You start realizing what works for you and what doesn't, what you have and what you will never have no matter what, and how to work with what you've got.

Sorry this blog has turned into an article in Women's World Magazine.

Actually I'm not that sorry.

No letter today, but I'll be continuing into March because it was so much fun. Tomorrow, I take a field trip and write a birthday letter my BFF. Things are looking up.

February Letter, #28

I wrote a poem about today's letter recipient.

I've never written a poem before.

Here goes.

An Ode to Lisa

you rise up early to witness the first sweet breaths of day
while the sky is still soaked with stars
warmed by woolly socks and
the ceramic mug you clutch
you sing
you sip

with the benevolence of a willow and strength of cedar,
your soft branches dance, your tough roots
harrow the rocky earth
like rilke's trees
much stands
behind you

blossoms in mason jars and rickety sage chairs
do not dismiss tragedy away from the room
but invite the broken beauty-seekers
to share coffee
so sweet
so bitter

pinned to your heart are memories which flutter in the salty wind
get caught in pine trees and left on mountaintops
float down the grand rapids
now buried under ground
next season
to plow

February Letter, #27

I have an announcement to make:

I am now Baltimore royalty.

I was essentially crowned as such by the mayor herself.

Let me talk about this.

So, on Sunday, my mom and I were strolling around the Convention Center, minding our own beeswax, when a very fancy and tall woman who was walking in front of us turned around and said, "Do you already have tickets?" To the craft show of course. Why else would we be walking around a convention center if not for the sake of crafts?

We said no, because duh of course we were not organized enough this week to buy craft show tickets online.

And then, this magical woman just went ahead and gifted us two VIP tickets! Without any rhyme or reason!

At first I thought it was just some very kind gesture from a fancy stranger, which I realize at this point would not be altogether rare for Baltimore. I am always skeptical when I am told that people in such-and-such city are nicer than people in some other city, or for that matter that a city has the worst drivers (doesn't every city have the worst drivers??), but I think that Baltimore actually does have extraordinarily nice people in it. Like, at least 10 strangers on the street this week asked if they could help me move my crap. Allow me to make this generalization: people here have good manners.

Oh but back to me. So then my mom whispered to me, "That was the mayor!" and I was suddenly overwhelmed to vote for her even though we just elected her.

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, I will vote for you any day of the week! Thank you for my crafts!!

We saw some very excellent hand-carved wooden turkeys and pumpkins. They made me so excited for fall! I know, but I live for it.

I am 800% sure I wasn't supposed to take a picture of this Peruvian mirror.

I wanted these bottle lights. But maybe they are the kind of thing that seem cooler at a craft fair than in your bathroom?

This whole jewelry stand was right out of my brain-dreams.

My big purchase ended up being a mountain bike bag, with a reflective moon patch! How could I say no?

Mountains remind me of two places I love: Seattle and Santiago. Also Switzerland, but I've never been there. But I do watch The Bachelor, so I felt like I was with Ben and Nicki having a picnic there this evening. We had a great time.

Today I wrote to a friend I met in Santiago, the fabulous and brilliant Karlee. While we met in Chile, Karlee can be found these days running around Chicago from class to class, wearing Frye boots, her long blond hair tucked under a pile of scarf. She is a wild beauty to behold, Karlee.

It was 65 degrees this afternoon so I sat out on the porch and admired The Surburbia.

As did Pickle.

Tomorrow, I will be back in the city to give back my keys and say a final goodbye to the tiny apartment that hosted me during my first year in Baltimore. Always a bittersweet moment to leave a place with so many memories, but it certainly cuts the bitterness to now feel ownership of the city for the first time. I credit the mayor entirely.

Mari's Oscars Special 2012

You know the drill, children.

Not sure how I feel about the tiny tutu on top of an evening dress, but Michelle looks like a darling little doll and I love her and her Macaulay Culkin haircut.

I didn't know Milla Jovovich was still a person. Well, she's looking good.

I'm just so glad that Melissa McCarthy finally realized that being plus size doesn't mean having to dress like a Hasidic Jew. The color and style are fantastic. Go Sookie!

Rooney Mara reminds me of every idiot I had to deal with in Wicker Park. Grow your bangs and put on some jewelry, you tiny awkward ghost-person.

I want to like this, but it's a garbage bag.

I've seen her in this dress before, I swear. She must have one in every color. Is this the bow tie to her Larry King?

Maya Rudolph is the best person in the entire world and her dumb belt cannot change that fact.

Kohl's.

Disney Store.

I'm not in love with the green but her Michelle Obama arms right all wrongs.

When I first saw this, I thought, "Who invited Lana Del Rey to the Oscars?" But then I realized it was Jessica Chastain dressed as wallpaper.

This is a bridesmaid dress from David's Bridal.

Whatever, she's Meryl, she can do what she wants.

Sometimes I think Berenice Bejo is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and sometimes I think she just rang up my groceries at Safeway.

It's kind of cute that Natalie is wearing a $$$ diamond necklace with a polka dot dress. She's trying to be quirky and casual but she doesn't get it. It's like when Brad Pitt thinks he's relating to the people of New Orleans by not shaving.

Emma looks like a Valentine's Day gift bag.

This dress looks comfortable but the boob ventilation disturbs me.

This is a scary look for Gwyneth. It makes me feel like she's trying to take over the world, one Goop newsletter at a time. Soon we'll all be drinking lemon-cayenne water for brunch and teaching our children how to speak fluent British during infancy.

Christopher Plummer is wearing velvet, and you should download "Beginners" right now.

I didn't know who this was before tonight, but now I want a life-size poster of him. Minus that ho on his arm. Plus the French.