Golden Globes Fashion Report 2012

It is that time of year again, Friends Mine! The time when there's a new award show every three days, and I sit in my mom's kitchen making immature comments about the way celebrities are dressed! You are thrilled.

Oh Charlize, stop looking so proud of yourself in your pink cotton candy toga mess.

I love the Farmiga family. Little Farmiga, you are a vision in beige.

Am I being made to believe that Nicole's boobs are bullet-proof?

Jessica Biel said that she was tired of looking so hot all the time, so she decided to try looking "artsy." She told her stylist, "Get me that lace dress that the weird Enya chick with the red hair wore to the Grammys, but put a slit in it so people know that I do Pilates." And Jessica saw that it was good. And everyone else said, "Did the girl from 7th Heaven wear a tablecloth?"

Kate is a class machine and her elegance cannot be crushed by one dumb decision to wear a cream skirt with a top that she got at the Filene's going out of business sale.

Emma's visual interpretation of The Hunger Games doesn't really work for her.

Tilda, we get it, you're edgy, and you look like a suburban transvestite grandmother.

The pixie cut is to Michelle Williams what ruffles are to Zooey Deschanel. It's adorable, but at some point it will need to stop. Just glad it hasn't stopped quite yet.

Love the hair. Dress is a little Ren Fest for me.

This dress looks like it's an interior design inspiration board for an Egyptian-themed casino.

Angie, you are standing next to Brad Pitt--look happier about it! Also look happy that you chose a beautiful dress for once, except why did you match your purse and lipstick with that collar thing you weirdo? The Globes ain't prom.

No.

I think Rooney Mara is the new Kristen Stewart, meaning that she's going to try to look as pale and uncomfortable at every awards show as possible.

Hey Person, your face is the same color as your dress. And also that belt makes your hips look crazy. And also who are you?

I was impressed with Zooey Deschanel for not wearing any ruffles or bows or winking kittens on her dress. But then she has to tilt her head to the side. When will she start acting like a 31-year-old and not a sexy baby??

Claire knocked it out of the Jackie O/Minimalism/Cleavage-Free/Perfect Hair Park.

Giuliana Rancic knows that nobody will say anything mean about her because of what she's been through this year, so she decided to wear the ugliest dress known to man. Well played, Giuliana.

My thumb is up to Octavia's dress, but I cannot offer the same thumb to her prom hair.

This couple is adorable and "Beginners" was my favorite movie of 2011.

HOLD THE PHONE--Sofia Vergara has curves?! Good thing we have a reminder because I haven't seen her in a form-fitting trumpet dress in...oh wait.

Black mermaid dress, check. Dangly earrings, check. Poofy up-do, check. Must be Debra Messing.

Freida Pinto, you're the most beautiful woman in the world according to me. What demented soul would wrap you in a mass of fabric tied with a black belt from Forever 21 and give you Avatar hair?

Natalie's bustle makes her dress look like she's the front half of the gay donkey in the church Christmas pageant.

Shailene Woodley looks like The Chrysler Building and does anybody remember when she was on The OC?!?

Evan Rachel Wood stole her hairstyle from Tilda and her dress from a mythical feathered reptile. To conclude, there is nothing good about this look but I like it.

Good night!