I don't understand why I'm not getting jobs.

Dear Prospective Employer,

I am interested in the position at your company, because I am detail-oriented, a go-getter, a team player, and every other gag-me adjective listed on your nauseating craigslist ad.

I am a very cultured person which is evident in my food preferences (Essence of India is seriously one of my favorite restaurants), and my spectacularly mediocre linguistic ability. I can order a number of different flavors of ice cream in Spanish, including the advanced and multisyllabic chocolate avellano variety. Not only that, I can write my name in Arabic. Additionally, while I hesitate to boast, for the purposes of this exciting employment opportunity I will also let you know that I can say "Good morning, Egyptian man!" and also "cat," "dog," "lion," and "pig" in pitch-perfect Arabic. In today's world, it is important to be culturally-aware of our neighbors to the east, and for this reason I truly believe the aforementioned knowledge sets me apart from my peers.

During my studies at the prestigious North Park University which I swear more than 25 people have heard of, I took many difficult and intellectually-intensive courses, including "Cooking Pasta in the Italian Tradition" and also "Personal Health" for which I rigorously co-wrote a compelling paper investigating the presence of germs on "Rubber Ducky" bath toys. Because of my hard work and passionate dedication to my studies, I received many A's, especially in my elective classes.

My extracurricular activities during my studies demonstrate the wide range of eclectic interests I pursued outside of my schoolwork. I spent many hours in the Student Government Office as a Freshman Senator, slaving away on my intricate doodles while my peers engaged in heated arguments over amendments to the Swedish Club mission statement. I also participated as a staff writer for the school's newspaper, a selective and highly-intellectual publication on par with the likes of The Economist, and Us Weekly. I wrote such well-researched and scholarly articles as "Single on Valentine's Day?" for which I gained the merited respect of my peers and professors alike.

I'm sure you will find my administrative skills almost overwhelming. My type speed alone should blow you away; I attribute it to many an hour spent on Gmail Chat. I keep my own home impeccably organized; I will have you know that I rarely put silverware in the wrong drawer. I have a great memory for detail and can remember week-to-week who achieved top scores on "American Idol," as well as all of Adam Lambert's song choices. I have an excellent head for politics, history, and current events, as I never miss an episode of "The Colbert Report," a show whose title I can pronounce in near-flawless faux-French.

I possess excellent writing skills which are complemented by my extensive experience with the Spell Checker program, and I keep a blog almost daily. In the past year, I have maintained such insightful entries with such artistic layout that my readership has doubled from 2 to 4 readers in only 15 months!

For your consideration I am attaching my jam-packed resume with relevent experience, such as my most recent job in Chile teaching at one of the most presitigious institutes in the country. By the end of my semester, I had gained irreplaceable experience screening dozens of movies during class, and giving my students translating assignments while I went downstairs to make instant coffee and steal copies of "GQ" from the English library.

And just so you have an idea of my outer as well as obvious inner beauty, I attach a supplemental photo of myself. Can you say America's Next Top Model?? Especially now that Tyra is accepting shorter contestants.

I hope to hear from you soon, but kindly do not phone between the hours of 11-12, or 5-6 Eastern Time, as I am detained during those times watching re-runs of "Gilmore Girls."

Regards,
Mari Andrew